The tragedy

So, you know those times that you forget what to say?

Love

You know the times you forget how to act your age?

Love

You know those times when everything is crumbling around you?

Love.

The cry of worship is not something controllable by man. However, even without the urge to cry out to God, we can remain obedient.

The tragedy is the title of this because we all go through a tragic time or two. Some people call it the valley, to some it feels more like a canyon or the bottom of a well. I have been at the bottom of the well for quite some time.

Ever since I made the job change, over and over I have been reminded of the glory of our father who is constantly showing himself to me. In one week, this past Wednesday, the size of my youth group doubled. In the span of a semester, my life looks entirely different. There is something strange when life spirals out of control and you are ok with it. I haven't had almost any say in the things that have gone on between last November and now. I applied for various jobs, got hired and fired from one, hired and going strong in another. Life just kinda hit. It's almost like all the times when I asked God to make my life, shape it even, into what exactly He wanted it to be He was waiting for this moment in my life to do so.

I mean, since the summer of 2004, I have been trying to fit my life around Him. I tried to do music, I was an active leader in the Refinery (FBC Wills Point Youth), and I have done multiple things as far as outreach and ministry go since then. All of those things were fine for preparation, but I still felt like a failed sinner at the end of them. Like I had done my duty and now it's time to let someone else do better. I remember feeling that at the end of my stay at FBC Belton. I remember nearly crying at the party they had for me in the youth room for two reasons. One, I knew I would, and I still do, miss all the students that I poured myself into. I miss leading worship and getting to chill as an intern. Second, though, I felt like I hadn't been good enough in the first place. I felt like God had given me my shot, gave me a year and half, decided I blew it and let me go from it.

Now, I know that all of that was an attack from Satan, and I know that beyond any thought I had at that point there was a plan in place already to get me into His willful place. It's just hard to believe that sometimes isn't it?

Jonah didn't think God knew what was going on. Neither did Job or his friends by the end of it. Joseph tried to leave Mary at first thought after he found out about Jesus.

The tragedy that overlaps everything is this. We don't cry out for worship because through our disobedience God sees our efforts as not enough. Our entire life should be based upon obedience through everything to God. And yet we freely do the things we choose to do. So when we show up for church or try and pray for a long time and lose the words, we wonder where the Spirit is. Why can't I feel it right now?

Truth is, we are still playing the "me" game at that point and calling it worship.

Truth is that we are scared of obedience because we are scared to move into a real, passionate, holy, loving relationship with our Lord.

Truth is that we don't think we have what it takes.

Love.

Love makes us good, it make the things that we do worthy. The love of God, through Christ, acts in us and through us to make obedience, to make real worship possible.

The saddest part about typing this blog today is this; more people that read this are going to care that I didn't site Scripture than those that turn their life around and read Scripture for themselves and find these things to be true.

Love.